In my pursuit of more...

It has been a long walk now. And when I look back, the past seems to be hazier than the future. What was that I was searching and running all this while? In my unobtrusive sleep, I dreamt of becoming a big man. How big, I don’t know. The packages seem to be getting smaller and smaller and I am getting more and more desperate shifting every now and then in my sleep. The more I grow old, more is my urge to become young, immature. Is the wisdom dawning upon me or am I starving more than ever?
When was the last time I started writing like this, carelessly, aimlessly, hopping from one world to another? That calm and composed self used to welcome the withdrawn person and the two used to chirp, sing, dance, and laugh holding each other’s hands. I still search for him. Where are you? I haven’t woken up.
That childhood friend of mine seems to be lost somewhere in the race of becoming a big man. How I used to spend hours lying under his blue umbrella wondering what would have been going, on the other end of the horizon. That overwhelming feeling of being the owner of that vast sheet allowing only circles and a few sparkling objects to encroach and make their huts, still haunts me. And in that aimless tour, I used to revolve my index finger estimating the area I possess. Why on the earth, I have grown old?
And when in some primary classes of Delhi, a newfound love was trying to establish its foot and in their complete unawareness of this psychotic world, the two birds used to exchange glances even without knowing the reason behind them. And when that little princess obliged me and sat beside me, I got the chance to look at her small tender hands and fingers, some of them trembling. And when she looked at me, I never realized that it was the time to freeze and take millions of snapshots as every shot is worth living million lives. But I was busy in dreaming to become a big man.

And when a friend of mine knocks the door hoping that I will come, I search for the back door to run and take a safe haven to continue my dream unobtrusively. How our aimless march in our unknown world can make you forget the march of the military as ours was a carefree, meaningless life where we often took flights to different worlds but in complete resonance. Why I do not get tired of shifting myself in this long sleep?

And today, when my mother stand beside me feeling proud of the wonderful son she is gifted, I feel I have perhaps sacrificed for her and my future. But when she looks at me asking for the same exchanging of glances we had 25 years ago, when I was completely unaware of my relationship with her, I remind her cost she and me have to pay to become, youknowwhat. Isn’t it enough or at least sufficient and if not what will then be?

I fear asking questions. It seems they don’t have any answers. Perhaps, I will never get them as I know what they are and that is a pity which I fear I will take to my deathbed. Amen.